After many years of absence, Dan Barrett has posted a new BLAZEMONGER article to comp.sys.amiga.misc. Click below for a local copy.
Mar 23, 06:52 PM
BLAZEMONGER reveals the DETAILS
BLAZE ON, d00dZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just like all you LAMERS out there, we at BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED recently read the TOTALLY WIMPY "Executive Update" from Amiga, Incarcerated (or whatever they're called these days), promising new hardware, new software, new kitchen appliances, used farm animals, etc. But NO DETAILS!!!!!!! And they had the UNMITIGATED GALL to claim that it was FOR OUR OWN GOOD!!! We don't wanna tell yet, they said. Tooooooo many NASTY RUMORS, they said. Toooooo much VAPORWARE, they said. AAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! It made me want to PUT MY HEAD IN A VISE. Hmmm, maybe I'll put *YOUR* head in a vise! Yeah, YOU, the person reading this. Come here and lean over....
But we DIGRESS.
The ULTIMATE INSANE GENIUSES at BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED have DONE IT ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!! We have managed to SNEAK OUT the most HEAVILY GUARDED SECRETS from behind Amiga's NUCLEAR SECURITY DOORS, whisk them back to our fortress in Chickenmilk, Wisconsin, and DECODE THEIR INNER MEANING. And we'll now SHARE THEM with the WHOLE WORLD!! In fact, NOBODY will be permitted to ignore our little announcement, as it is being BEAMED by LASER DEATH RAYS into the SKULLS OF ALL LIVING EARTH CREATURES as we speak. (Lean a little to the left, please.)
Here, for the first time, are the DEEP, DARK SECRETS of the NEW AMIGA!
AMAZING FACT #1: The name "Amiga" is being retired! After months and months of PAINSTAKING MARKET RESEARCH, a new name has been invented. The new machine is going to be called...
Yes, the BLORT: the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE multitasking MONSOON of computing!! The BLORT, whose mere MENTION is guaranteed to send WAVES OF TERROR into would-be competitors' hearts. It will CRUSH, it will DISINTEGRATE, it will.............
....What? You don't like the name? Think it's SILLY?? Well, LAUGH NOW, LINUX-FACE, you're going to SWALLOW LIVE PORCUPINES when you hear what it can do!! READ ON!!
AMAZING FACT #2: The original Amiga had a custom chipset. SUPERCOMPUTERS have custom CPUs. Windows boxes have custom BUGS!! But... the BLORT **BLOWS THEM AWAY** with the latest INDUSTRY-SHAKING custom development... CUSTOM ELECTRICITY!!! YES, CUSTOM ELECTRICITY, where each electron that enters the power cable has been SPECIALLY OPTIMIZED for the ULTIMATE in speed and graphical MAYHEM! It even powers the new, built-in theft-prevention system that gives any thief a FATAL SHOCK in the NOOKERS... ooooeeee, that smarts!
AMAZING FACT #3: (And I heard this one directly from Mervyn Peake, Chief Executive Otter of AmigaBlort, Inc!!) The BLORT will run the brand new, top-secret BAO operating system from the BAO-Group, a radical spinoff of BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED itself. BAO (short for "BLAZEMONGER AXE-SWINGING OS") brings the ULTIMATE in flexibility, stability, agility, and SENILITY to Amigans worldwide!! CHECK OUT THESE FEATURES:
-> PRE-EMINENT MULTITASKING!! A close cousin of preemptive multitasking, PRE-EMINENT MULTITASKING permits ANY NUMBER of programs to ARGUE simultaneously and produce VAST FLAME-WARS!!!
-> BLORT-UAE!! Run programs from ANY OTHER OPERATING SYSTEM on your BLORT system, from the PalmPilot to the Cray!!
-> COMMODORE EMULATION! Yes, the minds and personalities of ALL EX-COMMODORE EMPLOYEES are supplied with the machine, encoded in ROM!! THRILL to hardware-banging conversations with DAVE HAYNIE! Get user-friendly tips from a robotic CAROLYN SCHEPPNER!! Rap along to MP3's with ROSS "Hip-hopper" HIPPELY!! Even play "The Killing Game Show" with IRVING GOULD as the floodwaters rise above his NECK!!
-> And... the VIC!!! The REAL THING! Complete with alien hieroglyphics and vibrating tooth fillings made of lettuce! No, really!!!
NO NEED FOR SECRECY ANY MORE, Bill McBoingle and Floozy Moose!! The details are OUT!!! Let's have some more public announcements! Executive Updates!! RADIOACTIVE "TWISTER" CONTESTS!!! RED HAND ON BLUE!! RIGHT FOOT ON YELLOW!! HEAD IN A VISE!!!! And SQUEEEEEEEEEZZZE!!!! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT! BLORT!!!!
So there, Gary. Nyah, nyah, now you have to come back.
| Dan Barrett firstname.lastname@example.org www.blazemonger.com |